xdeadmemories

I am not sure as to what I should write about this time. Not mush has happened but at the same time loads of things have been going on.

Still unemployed and looking for work but am still hopeful although my thoughts about the unemployment office have not grown better. The girl that I meet the first time managed to screw up just about everything and misinformed me, gave me the wrong papers or no papers when needed. So at my second visit I and the person I meet this time had to go over everything once again. Also I had to wait for over 2½ hours for my turn!!  I’m glad I don’t have to go back there anymore but can keep in contact via the phone from now on.

Thinking a lot about what I want to do and if there is something special that I would like to aim towards. There are a few things but for now it will stay in my mind.
Also the fact wetter I will stay in this town or if I will move and if so where. Everything is possible at this point and I am free to do what ever I wish. It feels good.

I wonder where that man is, the man that is far from perfect but at the same time perfect for me. I have had a few flings these past two years but what it done really is to have me question the kind of men that are out there. And what women seem to want from men these days. Scary!
I want a MAN not some metro sexual pansies. All this talk about gender equality has destroyed a lot. Men are men, women are women and there are things we can never be equal in nor should we. Call me old fashion or whatever but this is how I feel and what I believe in.

But now it’s time for bed I believe…

There are some people back home that I miss terribly then esp my cousin and Petra who just might be one of my oldest friends. She has been around forever!

Remember all the wonderful things we did when we were younger and esp all the summers spent together. Midnight walks and talks. Being up all night, talking, watching movies and so on. Miss that time in my life a lot!

Then we have my wonderful cousin that has re-entered my life again. I remember how I used to look up to her when I was a kid. She was so cool and gorgeous! The age difference was a bit big then but now as we are both older the age doesn’t matter.  It was last Christmas when we reconnected and realised that we are very much alike and we have been thru very similar things in our lives. As it is no I couldn’t imagine life without here and I miss her so much.
I know she is planning to come down for a visit and I hope to be able to go back home soon to. Want to spend some time with her and her wonderful kids.

And ofcourse I also what to spend some time with Petra. I am amazed with her, putting up with me and all my babble…

Now I’m going to try and enter dreamland but I think it’s going to be a fight to get in…

So once again it’s be ages since I updated. Bad me! But a lot has been going on and a lot has happened.

I decided it was time to stop and I have now put my company one ice. I no longer work at the salon and am officially unemployed. I know there will be some people that will gloat and go ahead have as much fun as you want. I am doing what feels right for me and I’m moving on in my life. It won’t be easy but I am feeling better and that’s what is important. I’m thinking about me for once.
Have to put my health and my own happiness first.

So am looking for jobs at the moment. Might end up moving during the process.  I’m looking for work in different places. I might adapt very well to my surroundings but have realised that I am not a big city girl I long for the peace and quite that the country side can offer.  I miss how people treat each other better out of the big city. I hate the shallowness that is everywhere in the big city.
And I hate what it does to me and how I react to it.
Only time will tell what will happen…

I will not fully give up on the nails, hair and c. tattoos. I have a few friend that I will still “work on”. But on a whole other level. Might even regain my enthusiasm and love for everything again. The same it was 10 years ago when I started.

I have a few friends supporting me in my choice and it is to them I turn when things get to hard. It’s amazing what you can learn about friends in the time of need. People that say they will do anything for you and always be there just simply disappears but then you find that others are standing strong and give you the support you so much need.

Easter was a calm holiday find I don’t really celebrate it that much since the family is so far away from each other. Although it would have been good to go down to Spain for easter and have some fun times with my parents. But that will have to wait a while…

Have just made a very big decision that will change just about everything about my life as it looks right now. But while I am pretty much scared shitless I am also very excited about what the future will bring. I mean at this point I can do pretty much what ever I want. Don’t exactly know what that is at the moment so I’m going to try what ever comes my way.

I had to make a few sacrifices for this and esp. one hurts more than the others but I know everything will be ok. This is something I need to do for myself. And right now that’s the most important thing. I need to feel good. I need to feel ok.

Made a big decision today something that will affect my whole life and people around me. Parts of it makes me happy, some parts make me scared and others just very sad. But it had to be done.
Don’t really know what will happen now but the coming weeks will be busy. Phone calls to make, letters to write and send. So many things to plan and figure out.

Just had to tell the neighbours to shut up for I don’t know which time this week. They are playing loud music late every night of the week and no one seems to mind in this stupid building but damn the poor kid that got guitar hero and the drum set. Damn him for using it during the daytime disturbing people!
Hello!!?? So it’s ok to make noises during the night but not the day? Makes so much sense! Idiots!

Pernilla said I should switch and go for number two instead… *lol*

Well am very grateful for this photo I must say :)

Thank you very much! ;)

I want to go and see Avatar again. That movie was amazing and I must say one of the better movies I’ve seen. One of the best movies I have seen even.

I want to once more escape to the beautiful world of Pandora…

Tired but cant sleep. Seems like my insomnia is once again back and from my experience I know that it will get worse before it gets better.

Have tomorrow off work and will try my very best to get thru the pile of things that need to be done. Trying to keep my head above the water here and it’s a constant struggle.

Once again there is a snowstorm outside my window.

Some light in the darkness...

Am starting to feel sick again and yesterday I threw up for no reason. Barely had any voice since Saturday and feeling slightly feverish all the time. Whole body hurts and have an annoying headache. Went home early from work today and I’m glad I have tomorrow off as I doubt I would be in any state to go in tomorrow.

Have a few things to do around the flat tomorrow and they are also coming over to look at a few things that are getting exchanged and fixed in the flat. Must say it’s a bit annoying to have a private landlord. Things take forever to get fixed (if ever!) and he is a little cheap ass. Once again greedy people. Only looking out for themselves. I mean if you buy flats and rent them out you should in some way have some kind of feeling for service. Otherwise why the hell do you do it? Well again to make money… *sigh*

Am starting to feel sick again and yesterday I threw up for no reason. Barely had any voice since Saturday and feeling slightly feverish all the time. Whole body hurts and have an annoying headache. Went home early from work today and I’m glad I have tomorrow off as I doubt I would be in any state to go in tomorrow.

Have a few things to do around the flat tomorrow and they are also coming over to look at a few things that are getting exchanged and fixed in the flat. Must say it’s a bit annoying to have a private landlord. Things take forever to get fixed (if ever!) and he is a little cheap ass. Once again greedy people. Only looking out for themselves. I mean if you buy flats and rent them out you should in some way have some kind of feeling for service. Otherwise why the hell do you do it? Well again to make money… *sigh*

This must be the manliest and sexiest man walking this earth! The body and the man is just perfect!

This according to me is manly and very attractive. And now I am just talking about looks. Going to be that shallow right now :P

On a happier note… Last night I went out with Fanny, Amanda and Sandra for AW and it was very spontaneous and fun evening. Went to a place just across the street from work for some dinner and drinks. Shared a lot of laughs and weirdness and some deep secrets ;)

A very nice evening and just what I needed right now...

So these past days have been… well I dont really know how to describe them.  First I was sick and then the chaos with the subway, I’m glad I was sick then. But nothing compares to the news I got on Tuesday. Something that turned everything upside down and it has been in my mind constantly since I found out.

People all make mistakes in life and I will never judge you for what you have done nor will I stop caring. I wish there was something I could do for you some way to show you that I care, that there are others that do and that we are worried. We want nothing but the best for you and we want you to get the help you need.

At the moment I cant talk to you and there is no way to get to you but when the time come I will be here.

Have seen now how horrible the media really is and how they twist things and take things out of context. How they judge and make their own assumptions of things. And it all just triggers others that continue with the slander. How can people be so cruel? Humans are horrible, what is wrong with people? What kind of twisted minds and priorities do they have? They judge all but never stop for a second to look upon themselves. Nothing is ever good enough; just want more and more and more… greedy filthy creatures!

But that was not the point here. Just worry for you so much right now and I hope that you do no do anything stupid. You are too good for that. It could just has well have been me. You spoke words I never dared to let escape from my lips. You expressed feelings I keep hidden deep inside. You wrote about thoughts I will only keep to myself.

You are special and you are uniqe!!

I know this entry might seem confused and a bit messy but that is how I feel right now...

So stayed at home from work yesterday. I didn’t have anything booked and was feeling pretty crap.  Seems to be that I still have some bug that is refusing to either go away or break out fully. Quite annoying! Also feeling sleepy all the time and still cant seem to sleep properly at night. Keep waking up over and over again.

Am trying to put together a CV and damn I’ve done a lot of things since I finished college! Seem like I’ve not been really unemployed for more than a few days or so in between everything. The only thing I find hard is the fact that I suck at dates and years so it’s a bit of a hassle to fit everything together.  I especially have problems with years and placing things within the right year.

Just found two things at IKEA that I really want. Would help a lot as I have my laptop in the living room on the table by the sofas and that is not really comfortable.
This is what I’ve found...

Linn was sweet enough to do some touch ups on my haircolour today and Sandra cut my bangs. Did something completely new and am still trying to get used to it but they say it looks good.

Also bought everyone some semlor (Swedish pastry) and they were extremely tasty.

Well better get back to my counting… Looking forward to work tomorrow :)

Was reading an article from the Daily Express earlier. In it was an interview with Matt Goss were he was talking about his days in Bros with Luke and Craig, and how Liza Minnelli introduced him to Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr at a party, Matt also talked about his new show at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas.

http://mattgoss.la/2010/02/15/matt-goss-said-im-hoping-to-open-gossy-rooms-worldwide/

And I must say that I envy men. He is closing in on 42 and can still say things like “I defiantly the marrying kind and I’d like to have kids one day”. That for sure is something we women cant say. Not fair but what can you do…

And damn he looks good, very good for being almost 42 ;)

It’s past 2 am and I know I should be in bed sleeping but that is not as easy as it might sound. Had a few days now, well quite many really, that I’ve not be able to sleep until really late. Or one should say really early as it’s been around 4 am when I’ve finally been able to rest and drift off…

Dreamland is my salvation right now…

Looking forward to a new week, have a few things planned and the most important is the Rammstein concert on Saturday! Looking forward to seeing them live once more.

Well I am going to try now and see what happens…  Dreamland is waiting…

So been a few hectic weeks. Suddenly my life that normally is very calm has been full of different activities. The ones most worth mentioning are the fun evenings out eating with Pernilla. We have managed to talk about, well just about everything.
Last time we had a long conversation about what we like in men (well for her boys *lol*) and we both agree that we are a bit old fashioned. Want a man that makes us feel like a woman. Someone that is a gentleman. For example such a thing as eating out. First you talk about what you want but then the man is the one that orders the food. Holds the door and things like that. He will make you feel like a woman and you will make sure he feels like a man. But this does not mean that we are not equal in any way for ofcourse we are. I am very much for keeping the gender roles and I believe that can be done as well as us being equals. Then there are and will always be certain things men can do or are better at then us women and the other way around.
I am also one of those crazy women that would not mind (if it is possible) to be a stay at home mom. Then working part time as the kids are growing up. Or choosing a kind of work that ables me to work from home.

Other things that I have amused myself with lately is going to the cinema. First I went and saw Snabba Cash with Pernilla. And I must admit that even though I am not a fan at all of Swedish movies this one was very good. Well worth seeing and am looking forward to the next two.

Then Amanda and I went (finally) and saw Avatar in 3D and I have to say it’s one of the best movies I have seen ever! I have to go see it atleast one more time while it is playing in the cinema. And it makes me ashamed to be a human (as does a lot lately)! I had somewhat the same feeling after watching Hellboy II
What is wrong with people!!?? When did they stop to see the beauty in the world? When did they become so greedy? And why does money seem to be the only important thing? And it is never enough! They just want more and more and it never ends. What about the simple yet important things in life? All forgotten about…

All this has now made me depressed… Need something to cheer me up… ;)

Feeling much better now....  Night night :)

So this past week has been pretty brilliant part from the fact that I started it by fainting as I was walking down the stairs. I think it was due to the fact that I have cut down on my medication. But part from that little accident that messed up my feet pretty bad I’m feeling great!

Work has been great and everyday is filled with loads of laughter and great people. We have so much fun at work and keep getting into situations and different topics that have us laughing almost constantly. Only sad thing is that Ida will be moving soon and won’t be working with us anymore. But she better stop by and visit from time to time.
Speaking of Ida we had a nice afternoon/evening together on Saturday. She coloured my hair again and we fixed some other things. Talked about a lot of things both serious and fun. Going to miss her so much!

The rest of the weekend has been nice too. Have rested a lot and prepared for my meeting on Tuesday. Laying up the plans for my other job that I just landed. Seems like it’s going to be a bit bigger than I expected but I like that. Really looking forward to this. Going to be fun to do something completely different and yet something that I like.

Well going to finish watching The Fifth Element now and then I’m off to bed.