xdeadmemories

I am not sure as to what I should write about this time. Not mush has happened but at the same time loads of things have been going on.

Still unemployed and looking for work but am still hopeful although my thoughts about the unemployment office have not grown better. The girl that I meet the first time managed to screw up just about everything and misinformed me, gave me the wrong papers or no papers when needed. So at my second visit I and the person I meet this time had to go over everything once again. Also I had to wait for over 2½ hours for my turn!!  I’m glad I don’t have to go back there anymore but can keep in contact via the phone from now on.

Thinking a lot about what I want to do and if there is something special that I would like to aim towards. There are a few things but for now it will stay in my mind.
Also the fact wetter I will stay in this town or if I will move and if so where. Everything is possible at this point and I am free to do what ever I wish. It feels good.

I wonder where that man is, the man that is far from perfect but at the same time perfect for me. I have had a few flings these past two years but what it done really is to have me question the kind of men that are out there. And what women seem to want from men these days. Scary!
I want a MAN not some metro sexual pansies. All this talk about gender equality has destroyed a lot. Men are men, women are women and there are things we can never be equal in nor should we. Call me old fashion or whatever but this is how I feel and what I believe in.

But now it’s time for bed I believe…

There are some people back home that I miss terribly then esp my cousin and Petra who just might be one of my oldest friends. She has been around forever!

Remember all the wonderful things we did when we were younger and esp all the summers spent together. Midnight walks and talks. Being up all night, talking, watching movies and so on. Miss that time in my life a lot!

Then we have my wonderful cousin that has re-entered my life again. I remember how I used to look up to her when I was a kid. She was so cool and gorgeous! The age difference was a bit big then but now as we are both older the age doesn’t matter.  It was last Christmas when we reconnected and realised that we are very much alike and we have been thru very similar things in our lives. As it is no I couldn’t imagine life without here and I miss her so much.
I know she is planning to come down for a visit and I hope to be able to go back home soon to. Want to spend some time with her and her wonderful kids.

And ofcourse I also what to spend some time with Petra. I am amazed with her, putting up with me and all my babble…

Now I’m going to try and enter dreamland but I think it’s going to be a fight to get in…

So once again it’s be ages since I updated. Bad me! But a lot has been going on and a lot has happened.

I decided it was time to stop and I have now put my company one ice. I no longer work at the salon and am officially unemployed. I know there will be some people that will gloat and go ahead have as much fun as you want. I am doing what feels right for me and I’m moving on in my life. It won’t be easy but I am feeling better and that’s what is important. I’m thinking about me for once.
Have to put my health and my own happiness first.

So am looking for jobs at the moment. Might end up moving during the process.  I’m looking for work in different places. I might adapt very well to my surroundings but have realised that I am not a big city girl I long for the peace and quite that the country side can offer.  I miss how people treat each other better out of the big city. I hate the shallowness that is everywhere in the big city.
And I hate what it does to me and how I react to it.
Only time will tell what will happen…

I will not fully give up on the nails, hair and c. tattoos. I have a few friend that I will still “work on”. But on a whole other level. Might even regain my enthusiasm and love for everything again. The same it was 10 years ago when I started.

I have a few friends supporting me in my choice and it is to them I turn when things get to hard. It’s amazing what you can learn about friends in the time of need. People that say they will do anything for you and always be there just simply disappears but then you find that others are standing strong and give you the support you so much need.

Easter was a calm holiday find I don’t really celebrate it that much since the family is so far away from each other. Although it would have been good to go down to Spain for easter and have some fun times with my parents. But that will have to wait a while…

Have just made a very big decision that will change just about everything about my life as it looks right now. But while I am pretty much scared shitless I am also very excited about what the future will bring. I mean at this point I can do pretty much what ever I want. Don’t exactly know what that is at the moment so I’m going to try what ever comes my way.

I had to make a few sacrifices for this and esp. one hurts more than the others but I know everything will be ok. This is something I need to do for myself. And right now that’s the most important thing. I need to feel good. I need to feel ok.

Made a big decision today something that will affect my whole life and people around me. Parts of it makes me happy, some parts make me scared and others just very sad. But it had to be done.
Don’t really know what will happen now but the coming weeks will be busy. Phone calls to make, letters to write and send. So many things to plan and figure out.

Just had to tell the neighbours to shut up for I don’t know which time this week. They are playing loud music late every night of the week and no one seems to mind in this stupid building but damn the poor kid that got guitar hero and the drum set. Damn him for using it during the daytime disturbing people!
Hello!!?? So it’s ok to make noises during the night but not the day? Makes so much sense! Idiots!

Pernilla said I should switch and go for number two instead… *lol*

Well am very grateful for this photo I must say :)

Thank you very much! ;)

I want to go and see Avatar again. That movie was amazing and I must say one of the better movies I’ve seen. One of the best movies I have seen even.

I want to once more escape to the beautiful world of Pandora…

Tired but cant sleep. Seems like my insomnia is once again back and from my experience I know that it will get worse before it gets better.

Have tomorrow off work and will try my very best to get thru the pile of things that need to be done. Trying to keep my head above the water here and it’s a constant struggle.

Once again there is a snowstorm outside my window.

Some light in the darkness...

Am starting to feel sick again and yesterday I threw up for no reason. Barely had any voice since Saturday and feeling slightly feverish all the time. Whole body hurts and have an annoying headache. Went home early from work today and I’m glad I have tomorrow off as I doubt I would be in any state to go in tomorrow.

Have a few things to do around the flat tomorrow and they are also coming over to look at a few things that are getting exchanged and fixed in the flat. Must say it’s a bit annoying to have a private landlord. Things take forever to get fixed (if ever!) and he is a little cheap ass. Once again greedy people. Only looking out for themselves. I mean if you buy flats and rent them out you should in some way have some kind of feeling for service. Otherwise why the hell do you do it? Well again to make money… *sigh*

Am starting to feel sick again and yesterday I threw up for no reason. Barely had any voice since Saturday and feeling slightly feverish all the time. Whole body hurts and have an annoying headache. Went home early from work today and I’m glad I have tomorrow off as I doubt I would be in any state to go in tomorrow.

Have a few things to do around the flat tomorrow and they are also coming over to look at a few things that are getting exchanged and fixed in the flat. Must say it’s a bit annoying to have a private landlord. Things take forever to get fixed (if ever!) and he is a little cheap ass. Once again greedy people. Only looking out for themselves. I mean if you buy flats and rent them out you should in some way have some kind of feeling for service. Otherwise why the hell do you do it? Well again to make money… *sigh*

This must be the manliest and sexiest man walking this earth! The body and the man is just perfect!

This according to me is manly and very attractive. And now I am just talking about looks. Going to be that shallow right now :P

On a happier note… Last night I went out with Fanny, Amanda and Sandra for AW and it was very spontaneous and fun evening. Went to a place just across the street from work for some dinner and drinks. Shared a lot of laughs and weirdness and some deep secrets ;)

A very nice evening and just what I needed right now...

So these past days have been… well I dont really know how to describe them.  First I was sick and then the chaos with the subway, I’m glad I was sick then. But nothing compares to the news I got on Tuesday. Something that turned everything upside down and it has been in my mind constantly since I found out.

People all make mistakes in life and I will never judge you for what you have done nor will I stop caring. I wish there was something I could do for you some way to show you that I care, that there are others that do and that we are worried. We want nothing but the best for you and we want you to get the help you need.

At the moment I cant talk to you and there is no way to get to you but when the time come I will be here.

Have seen now how horrible the media really is and how they twist things and take things out of context. How they judge and make their own assumptions of things. And it all just triggers others that continue with the slander. How can people be so cruel? Humans are horrible, what is wrong with people? What kind of twisted minds and priorities do they have? They judge all but never stop for a second to look upon themselves. Nothing is ever good enough; just want more and more and more… greedy filthy creatures!

But that was not the point here. Just worry for you so much right now and I hope that you do no do anything stupid. You are too good for that. It could just has well have been me. You spoke words I never dared to let escape from my lips. You expressed feelings I keep hidden deep inside. You wrote about thoughts I will only keep to myself.

You are special and you are uniqe!!

I know this entry might seem confused and a bit messy but that is how I feel right now...